Most embarrassing moment

If there is one thing that I’ve learnt, it is that nurses, as patients, are either a total pain in the arse to look after or they are pretty good value. I’ve come across a few nasty ones, but the award for the coolest old nurse ever goes to the old girl that I looked after in my first ever prac placement as a very nervous first-year nursing student.

She was constipated and needed a visit from the suppository fairy. As you do, Andrea, the nurse that I was working with was more than happy to palm off sticking her finger up someone’s bum to the eager student. After going through what I needed to do, we went in, and I let my patient know what was about to do. After five days BNO, she was more than happy to get the supps.

Informed consent? Check.

Medication order valid? Check.

Patient positioned? Check.

Supps and finger well lubed? Oh yeah, that’s a check.

Gloved up, I was ready to rock. I was confident. I was ready. I knew what I was about to do. I was about to poke some medication way, way up a little old lady’s arse.

The grossness of the thought of my impending rectal excursion was pushed aside by the joy of practising a new skill.

It was at this point that my buddy CN decided to inform me that Betty was an old nurse. Betty chimed in, as relaxed as all hell, about how she knew exactly what I was about to do. My exuberant feeling of confidence started to evaporate.

But, no time for doubts – onwards and upwards…

I pushed on, letting old Betty know that “this might fell a little cold”.

Boy, that suppository was slippery. I fumbled and then managed to get it in. “Here we go, Betty…”

It was as the second knuckle of my finger passed through her sphincter that she let rip with, “Oh God, yeah! That feels wooooonderful!”

Sweet Jesus…

I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me up. I had no idea what to say. My buddy CN must have been a bloody fantastic poker player, but she was having trouble not cracking up.

“OK”, I squeeked, “one more to go…”

My nurse and I finished up, excused ourseleves, and drew back the curtain… only to find 3 other randy 80 years olds sitting up in their beds with ear-to-ear grins giving me finger waves. I even scored an attempt at a seductive “you hoo…”

I looked back at old Betty, who laughed and explained that Andrea had prewarned her that this was the first time that I had given anyone supps.

Crazy old bitch…

I hope that I’m a funny fart like her when I’m old.